<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I'm Afraid That You'll Notice My Heart by Sekundi</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586748">I'm Afraid That You'll Notice My Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sekundi/pseuds/Sekundi'>Sekundi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Chosen Family (Transdori Week 2020) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coming Out, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship, Trans Female Character, Transdori Week 2020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:55:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,771</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586748</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sekundi/pseuds/Sekundi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With Sayo's promise to herself to keep personal matters out of Roselia crumbling every day, she decides to take action on the one thing that terrifies her most - even if the past still hurts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hikawa Sayo/Minato Yukina</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Chosen Family (Transdori Week 2020) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933978</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Transdori Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'm Afraid That You'll Notice My Heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warning for some descriptions of transphobia.</p><p>Also, Sayo's exact age for when she first comes out is up to your interpretation but it's definitely before middle school, as a rough guide.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her hands couldn’t stop shaking.<br/><br/>No matter how much she tried to calm herself, or fold her arms and tuck them into herself, she could still feel them trembling against the shirt Hina had given her that her parents hadn’t noticed yet.<br/><br/>The walls of their living room, which had been the same for all the years she’d lived here, were suddenly eerie and unfamiliar and closing in on her as she sat rigidly in a chair opposite her parents. Her sister stood behind her, and her mother and father sat across from her, her father’s suit still rustled from the commute home.<br/><br/>Everything was just as it was on any other weekday night, right down to the loud music from the apartment above them that always started at 6 o’ clock sharp. Except Sayo had told her parents she had something she had to announce, before she got too many questions about why she was growing her hair so long, about why she spent so long in her room nowadays, before the burden of keeping such a crushing secret ate her alive.<br/><br/>Sayo squeezed her eyes shut. She was behaving strangely, she knew that, no doubt increasing her parent’s concern. But her throat felt as if it was sewn shut and her lungs were about to burst.<br/><br/>She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t do this. How was she supposed to be able to do this?</p><p>Above them, a new, thumping song started, threatening to bring the ceiling down. Sayo counted to five, slowly, too terrified to open her eyes, letting the music overtake her as a desperate means to escape.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She was looking towards the stage.<br/><br/>There, the frame of a girl not much older than her - barely a few months difference - sung into the mic, slender hands gripped around the stand. The girl was pouring everything into the notes she sang - her heart and soul, her hopes and fears. Sayo knew. Sayo knew because she could feel the sheer energy and passion setting an eager flame under her skin and making her feel <em> alive. </em> She was enchanted, she was lost in a spell, she wanted more of the song, more of the music, she would perish if this song ever ended.<br/><br/>Sayo had doubted this girl, this <em> being, </em> soaring like a phoenix on the stage in front of her. Never before in her life had she been proven so wrong. But Sayo didn’t mind, that was all in the past, and there was no past now. Only the present. Only the moment she was living in right now.<br/><br/>Eventually the song did end, and somehow Sayo was still left standing. As the performer stepped away from the mic, Sayo could have sworn she looked right at her, and as she did, she nodded. Ever so slight. Ever so subtle. Sayo had probably imagined it, still dizzy from the phenomenon she had just witnessed.<br/><br/>And yet her heart still pounded in double time, long after she had left the venue, and was curled up back at home.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When Sayo opened her eyes, she was still in the living room, miraculously. She hadn’t fallen through the floor or been crushed by the weight of the room capturing her yet, even though her heart felt like it was about to shatter her ribcage.<br/><br/>Her parents were still waiting for her. Sayo couldn’t decipher their faces - were they concerned? Confused? Bored? It was impossible to tell, not when she could barely think or see properly.<br/><br/>All Sayo could desperately hope for was that those expressions wouldn’t turn to anger, or pain, or disappointment. And yet all three seemed inevitable. She already had an escape route planned - the small toilet by Hina’s room was the furthest room from here, and it had a steady lock. Sayo had already sneaked three chocolate bars there after school, hidden under a towel.</p><p>“Honey, if there’s anything you need to say, you can say it.” her mother said, her hand reaching out for Sayo’s. Sayo blindly took it. “We’re listening.”<br/><br/>Sayo took a shaky breath in, amazed there was still oxygen for her. At any moment, she would fall. Better not to delay it. Better to embrace the pain. </p><p>“Big sis,” her sister whispered softly, not for their parents ears. Sayo didn’t turn around, she wasn’t quite sure if she was capable of movement, but she exhaled as her sister’s hand found its way to her shoulder. Sayo quietly waited for her to say something more but nothing came.<br/><br/>The fall was here. </p><p>Sayo shakily opened her mouth, yet no noise came out. But it had to. She had to force this out, even if it was the last thing she did.<br/><br/>Taking one last unsteady breath in, Sayo quietly said three tiny, devastating words.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You can, Sayo.”</p><p>Sayo was stood as straight as a ruler in the studio. The girl smiled at her like she saw something in Sayo Sayo simply couldn’t. “The most important thing is facing your pain head on. And I believe that you are more than capable of doing so.”</p><p>Her name fell out of Sayo’s mouth in a pathetic whisper. “Minato-san…”<br/><br/>“You don’t have to attend rehearsal today,” Yukina said. “Because I know you’ll return.”</p><p>There was still a neat gap of distance between them Sayo had to maintain, but Yukina kept her smile. Sayo didn’t know what she had done to deserve it, but she returned it anyway.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Slow recognition dawned on their faces. </p><p>“I… I see.” her mother said slowly. Her eyebrows began to furrow, lines forming on her forehead.<br/><br/>The anger came next, emerging from her father. “But- that’s- you’re not. That’s not-”<br/><br/>“Not now, darling,” her mother said quickly, before returning her gaze to Sayo. ‘Sayo’  wasn’t the name that came out of her mouth though, and Sayo fought the urge to cover her ears. “I just… I don’t think… what is this? Where did this come from?”<br/><br/>The pain was here.</p><p>Sayo wanted to run, but all she could do was stay rigidly in her seat, her sister’s hand on her shoulder like an iron weight. And even if it wasn’t there, Sayo knew she wouldn’t have been able to move. </p><p>“Mother, I-”<br/><br/>“No, honey. Let’s just… we’ll discuss this later.”<br/><br/></p><p>“But is it- is it okay?” Her voice was such a pitiful croak, craving for the slightest drop of validation.<br/><br/>“I…”<br/><br/>Disappointment.</p><p>“We’ll talk about it later. Just… go to your room, please.”<br/><br/>Her mother’s hand fell away from hers.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>In the studio, Yukina’s hand reached out, connecting them. So soft. Sayo couldn’t believe how soft it was.<br/><br/>“Go now, Sayo. I think someone’s waiting for you.”<br/><br/>Sayo didn’t need to be told twice.<br/><br/>Her footsteps grew faster as she ran out of the studio.</p><p> </p><p><br/>At least after that Sayo had the sense to rise from her seat on quivering limbs, jerking away hwe sister’s hand.<br/><br/>“Big sis-”<br/><br/>But Sayo was already gone. Forgetting her plans, she instead headed to her bedroom with a soft pillow that always accepted her tears.</p><p>She ran.<br/><br/>She cried.<br/><br/>She slept.</p><p>When she woke up in the night, she was still alone.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <b><em>Autumn</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Imai-san, what is it you wish to discuss?” Sayo asked as she set down her tray.</p><p>It was most likely strange to find comfort in fast food joints of all places, and yet they were Sayo’s port of call whenever she was stressed. Her problems threatened to overwhelm her often, but they seemed a little smaller with a burger and large fries in front of her. The bright lights and loud noises (especially the beeping) weren’t preferable, but normally Sayo could find a quiet corner. Besides, the bustle of a busy WcDonalds was the just the thing she needed to turn down the oppressive speaker of her brain sometimes.</p><p>But today she wasn't here because she needed to de-stress; rather, she’d been dragged here by a certain nosy bassist. “Tons of things!” Lisa replied. </p><p>“Really?” Sayo replied. “Like what?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Lisa said, “but you’ve been looking super down lately. So you gotta tell me what’s got you feeling all blue!”</p><p>“I’m not obligated to tell you anything,” Sayo said. </p><p>“So you are sad?” Lisa said.</p><p>Sayo sighed. “That’s not my point.” She didn’t honestly know if she was feeling ‘blue’ - there were… a few <em> things </em>on her mind, but they hadn’t been particularly weighing her down.</p><p>“Jeez! So cold…” Lisa said. “My point is, I’m here for you, y’know? If anything’s up.”</p><p>Sayo looked down at her fries. “I suppose… there’s something.”</p><p>“Okay, what is it then? Can’t get a guitar part down - wait, no, that’s impossible with you. What else, then? Is it like… your gender stuff? You know… I forgot the word… your dysphoria?”</p><p>“Not that, specifically,” Sayo said as she chewed on a fry. “But it is related to gender.”</p><p>“Okay,” Lisa said, “wanna talk about it?”</p><p>The fact they were having this conversation at all was bizarre. Sayo never mingled with girls like Lisa, ones with big hair who knew everything about everyone. And she especially did not make it a habit to tell them her secrets. And yet, here she was at WcDonalds with Lisa, and Lisa was casually asking her if she’d been struggling with her dysphoria recently.</p><p>When Lisa had noticed Sayo had been hanging out with Ako and Rinko more, because of course she had, she’d decided it required a conversation. She said it was ‘cute’. So of course Sayo had immediately snapped that it was only because she’d found new similarities with them, nothing more, because she was utterly incapable of taking compliments. After that Lisa had simply asked what those similarities were, and well…<br/><br/>The truth of the matter was that, despite how often Sayo had told herself that she would keep her distance from Roselia, she had ended up hanging around the gamer duo of the band more often. But she had good reasoning. Because one day after rehearsal a few weeks ago, with Rinko’s hand wrapped around hers, Ako had entrusted Roselia with a secret Sayo also shared.<br/><br/>Sayo had never met a girl like her before. So initially, Ako being trans had almost been too much for her potato brain to handle. But after Lisa and Yukina’s words of acceptance, Sayo had scrambled to reassure Ako too.<br/><br/>But it didn’t feel right, still. As if on instinct, Sayo had called Ako to the cafe immediately afterwards and there she came out to the first person in years. She barely registered it until she got home and realised how long it had been.<br/><br/>Naturally, Ako was accepting, in fact she was incredibly eager to talk, and considering how harsh Sayo had been to her in the past, Sayo entertained her. Besides, as she quickly learnt, having someone who understood how she felt, even if their experiences weren’t identical, was like having a weight lifted off her shoulders she’d never even realised was there.</p><p>They discussed everything, from the first seeds of realisation, starting to transition (Sayo tried not to feel jealous when Ako described the support she’d gotten from her family and Rinko) to getting into their schools and clothes shopping. At this part Ako went on a long ramble about how Rinko was such a talented seamstress and how she’d helped Ako tons in the past, and even if Sayo didn’t need that help Rinko was a loyal and trustworthy ally, always.<br/><br/>It was a little cheesy but so genuine Sayo couldn’t help but smile a little. And within a few days, she had told Rinko, and her only answer was a small smile and an “Okay.”<br/><br/>So when Lisa asked why she’d been spending more time with Ako and Rinko, the desire to tell the honest truth instead of coming up with some lie she’d feel guilty about later came almost naturally. So that was what she did.<br/><br/>No matter how hard she tried to hide herself from Roselia, she kept letting them in. It was almost scary how easy it was, and utterly foreign how fine Roselia seemed with everything.<br/><br/>She tried not to dwell on it too much, but certain thoughts kept nagging at her. And they mostly seemed to circulate around one person in particular.</p><p>Sayo plopped a fry in far more ketchup than necessary and shoved it into her mouth. After she finished chewing, she said: “It… It’s about Minato-san.” </p><p>Coming out to Ako, while it had been hasty, was a good decision. Even if Sayo wanted to keep her bandmates at arm’s length, she still felt lingering guilt for her actions towards Ako in the past, and now their new shared knowledge opened the way to some sort of connection between them. Plus, Sayo knew Ako looked up to her. Sayo would hardly call herself a role model, but it was… kind of sweet. Rinko had been supportive too, offering to help Sayo with any problems she had with Roselia’s costumes, and proving that she actually knew almost as much about fashion as Lisa. If Sayo was being horribly honest, she was a little envious of Ako for having someone like Rinko, but it couldn’t be helped.</p><p>Lisa was less calm and relaxed but she was trying. At first she’d acted like if she said the wrong thing Sayo would turn to dust and blow away, but she’d gotten over that. She insisted on dragging Sayo to all her favourite accessory stores, which wasn’t… bad. But then after Sayo had confessed she hadn’t been in a changing room in years, Lisa had been set on going on a big ‘girl’s shopping trip’ sometime. Sayo appreciated her support, even if it often came in blunt, awkward ways, but navigating Lisa was difficult sometimes. However, it had always been like that. Sayo supposed she would just have to try harder.</p><p>And then there was Yukina. The one person who knew nothing.</p><p>It wasn’t as if Sayo was purposely hiding it from her, it was just-</p><p>“Ahh, so do you wanna tell Yukina too?”</p><p>-the thought made her far more queasy than it had anyone else in Roselia.</p><p>“I suppose. I’m just not sure how.” Sayo said thoughtfully.</p><p>Lisa leaned forward. “What do you mean? Just do it the same way you told me!”</p><p>Sayo didn’t respond.<br/><br/>“Okay it might not be <em> that </em>simple, but like, what’s stopping you? She’s totally cool with Ako. She’s still too lost in music la la land to care most the time. I mean, you’re kinda there with her too, but like… this analogy isn’t working anymore and I’m gonna shut up now.”</p><p>Lisa shutting up without someone else telling her to was quite a miracle, and Sayo took advantage. “I just feel more nervous about telling her than I did with the rest of you.”<br/><br/>“I mean, the rest of us kinda prodded it out of you, though?” Lisa replied. “Even if we didn’t realise. With Yukina, it’s like… I mean, you’re sitting here angsting over telling her! Maybe you should just think about it less.”</p><p>Sayo had to hold back a snort at that one. She’d been trying to ‘think less’ for seventeen years and results had proved negative.</p><p>Lisa did have a point, though. Sayo couldn’t work out what exactly it was that made Yukina feel like an impenetrable wall compared to the rest of Roselia. It wasn’t as if they were particularly distant from each other - in fact Yukina was probably the one Sayo trusted the most in Roselia. Sayo had placed much of her faith in her, and even though Yukina had let her and Roselia down in the past, she had learnt her lesson. She was strong by Sayo’s side.</p><p>Perhaps Lisa was right. Perhaps it was being given the chance to think things out logically. Most of her coming-outs had been accidents, and the only one that wasn’t, when she had told her parents, had been one of the most stressful nights of her life, even if things had technically gone well eventually. She was incredibly prone to overthinking, and recently possible scenarios of her coming out to Yukina had been playing in her head like a never-ending slideshow, which was ridiculous. Yukina had accepted Ako; she had no reason to shun Sayo.</p><p>...But if there was one thing Sayo had learnt, it was that knowing whoever it was would accept you didn’t make things easier.</p><p>“I don’t think I’m going to be able to stop overthinking it,” Sayo said. “But… I suppose selecting a specific time to tell her would help. I’ve done that before. It allowed me to be a little calmer, and get my thoughts in order.”</p><p>“Awesome!” Lisa said. “And listen, Sayo, I get it, yeah? I’ve actually been in this exact scenario myself.”</p><p>“You… you have?” Sayo said, struggling to follow.<br/><br/>“Well, I had to tell Yukina I was a lesbian at <em> some point, </em> we’re total besties! But it was super nerve-wracking when I did.”<br/><br/>Sayo blinked slowly three times. “You’re… a lesbian?”</p><p>“What do you mean?? Of course I’m a lesbian, Sayo, how did you not know this???”<br/><br/>“Y-You never told me directly?”</p><p>It took at least five minutes of chaos to clarify that <em> yes, </em> Lisa had absolutely no interest in men, and <em> okay, </em>maybe it wasn’t as obvious as Lisa had thought. Although looking back Sayo had noticed some signs, she had just been wrapped up in herself and her own problems. Which was rather selfish, so she didn’t tell Lisa that.</p><p><em> “Anyway,” </em> Lisa said. “I. Get. It. Yukina is kinda scary even though she doesn’t realise. And poor little twelve year old me was super intimidated telling her that I was a lesbian. Especially since I… well, can you keep a secret, Sayo?”<br/><br/>“I can.” Who was she going to tell Lisa’s secrets to anyway?<br/><br/>“I had a <em> total </em> crush on Yukina. Absolutely massive. I mean, I sorta knew anyway, but she’s basically the person who made me realise I did like girls all those years ago. So all my nerves were ramped up to max, you know?” Lisa chuckled as she pointed her fry at Sayo. “I’m glad you don’t have to deal with <em> that.” </em><br/><br/>“I… see.” Sayo said slowly.</p><p>“And of course, she was cool with it!” Lisa said. “I worried for nothing. Didn’t tell her about the crush though, never have, actually… I don’t know how she would react to that.”<br/><br/>“Is Minato-san averse to romantic relationships?” Sayo asked.</p><p>Lisa sighed. “It’s not like that. She’s just - focused on music, you know? She’s never shown an interest in anyone, so I dunno who she likes. And besides, my crush is waaaay in the past. It’s pretty embarrassing now.”</p><p>“Okay.” Sayo said, processing Lisa’s information. So Lisa had been nervous to tell Yukina because of her feelings for her. That… that made sense, but it wasn’t like that for Sayo. Her and Lisa’s situations were completely different, and Sayo’s nerves were only heightened because of how she’d been agonising over telling Yukina.</p><p><em> But the reason you’ve been agonising is because you li- </em>a voice in her head began, but Sayo quickly swatted it away.</p><p>“When do you think I should tell her?” Sayo said, before realising that Lisa wouldn’t be much help. “Actually, I suppose that’s something I should figure out myself…”<br/><br/>“Nah, it’s fine!” Lisa replied. “I’d recommend Friday. Yukina’s always happier then, cause she won’t admit it, but she totally hates school. She’ll be in a great mood, trust me. Will that make you feel better?”<br/><br/>“I think so.” Sayo said. She wasn’t quite sure. Friday was in five days, so she had time to work everything out.</p><p>“Great!” Lisa said. “So now all your emotions are cleared up… wanna get more fries?”<br/><br/>Sayo’s stomach was still swirling a little uncomfortably with unrest but she nodded anyway.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Friday came like a wave that Sayo had underestimated the weight of until it drenched her. Ever since her talk with Lisa, she had been feeling nervous, but it wasn’t until she woke up on Friday morning a full hour before her alarm that she truly realised how anxious she was.<br/><br/>It only worsened throughout the day. The concept of telling Yukina she was trans, while still quite terrifying, had remained a nebulous concept in her head. But as the end of school, and their 4pm practice, drew nearer, Sayo’s queasiness increased. She left school in a hurry regardless, barely sparing Rinko a second glance.</p><p>She’d been trying not to think too hard all week, burying her emotions under guitar and strict routine, but now she was on the route to CiRCLE from Hanasakigawa every feeling screamed at her in full volume and she’d lost the mute button. No matter how fast she walked she couldn’t escape them.</p><p>Sayo had blindly held onto Lisa’s advice, telling herself over and over that if only she just tried not to worry, then everything would be fine after she told Yukina. Which was true, in a way, coming out lifted a weight off her shoulders no matter what, but the anxiety just before doing so felt impossible to live through.</p><p>When she’d come out to her parents, she hadn’t even been certain she would even be able to get the words out. Yet with Hina’s enthusiastic hand on her shoulder she’d managed to mumble out that she was a girl and then almost fainted. But she’d survived.<br/><br/>She would survive this too, even if it didn’t feel like it right now.</p><p>However, Sayo couldn’t help but think when she met Yukina in the studio and told her what she had told Ako and Rinko and Lisa, she would be ending something between them.<br/><br/>It was a ridiculous thought, but Sayo knew it was what was causing her so much strife. Yukina wasn’t a sociable person by any means, after all, she had been the one who had started the mantra of ‘no personal feelings in Roselia’ with Sayo even if they were both terrible at keeping it. But Sayo had noticed that Yukina often turned to her for advice, sought her out, gave her more warm smiles, especially after the day with Hina and the umbrella. And every tiny interaction made Sayo’s heart leap.</p><p>She was such a fool.</p><p>Sayo paused, barely registering she was inside CiRCLE’s cafe. It was so obvious, wasn’t it?</p><p>The memory of Lisa pointing her fry at Sayo with a grin and claiming Sayo didn’t have to worry about her feelings towards Yukina burned in her mind.</p><p>Because Lisa had been <em> wrong. </em>Sayo had known she was wrong all along, but she’d taken her advice anyway, forced herself not to worry, told herself there was nothing in her heart for Yukina, that she was just catching her up with the rest of her band, but that was all a lie.</p><p>Because Sayo felt too much for Yukina. Far, far too much.</p><p>And when she came out to Yukina, the hideous fear that she would lose what little she had with her already once Yukina knew was clawing at her.<br/><br/>Sayo clutched at her chest, squeezing her eyes shut. She was fine, she wasn’t fine, but she couldn’t let that show here, in public-</p><p>“Sayo?”</p><p>Sayo’s eyes jolted open. Yukina had gotten up from a nearby table, and was walking towards her. Oh no. She couldn’t let Yukina see her in such a frazzled state, because she would ask what was wrong and Sayo wouldn’t have any reply for her except a messy wave of word vomit that would no doubt make things worse.</p><p>She forced herself to swallow. “M-Minato-san.”<br/><br/>Yukina stopped in front of her, face marred in concern. Sayo must have looked particularly awful for Yukina to wear her emotion so openly. “Are you okay? You look as if you had a sudden pain to the chest. That’s usually not a good thing.”<br/><br/>She was not okay, as a matter of fact, but she clinged onto the physical sickness excuse with her weak hands. “I’m feeling a little out of sorts due to this hot weather, actually.” Sayo and Yukina were both wearing autumn coats but that wasn’t relevant. “May we go and rest inside the studio?”<br/><br/>Yukina still looked worried, but she nodded and led the way into CiRCLE.</p><p>Once Sayo was in their familiar studio, she was able to calm down a little. Her heart was still pounding and her blood was still uneasily rushing in her ears, but being able to sit down helped. She’d barely managed to do that when she’d come out to her parents.<br/><br/></p><p>But for some reason, to Sayo, the face of Roselia’s cutthroat, cold-hearted vocalist was much more comforting than her parent’s faces all those years ago.</p><p>“Do you need anything?” Yukina said. “Such as… what is it Lisa calls it… painkillers. Yes. Do you need any of those?”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Sayo said. “I’m actually not… sick, technically.”<br/><br/>Yukina raised her eyebrows. “Then what was causing you so much distress?”<br/><br/>Sayo breathed in deeply, closing her eyes. She counted to ten. She… she had some feelings towards Yukina. Okay. That was undeniable. But she’d pushed them down for long enough, she could continue to do that, at least for long enough to come out to Yukina. And it was futile for her to be bogged down by them, scared of losing her precious little moments of Yukina. What was she, a hopeless middle schooler? No. Roselia was bigger than that. She - she was better than that. After all she’d gone through, Sayo knew not to get caught up in impossible hope.</p><p>Sayo opened her eyes, and exhaled. Her nails digged crescents into her palm.</p><p>“Minato-san,” she said, as calmly as she could, “there is something I must tell you.”<br/><br/>Yukina paused for a moment. “Alright. What is it?”</p><p>“I…” She just had to say it. It was that simple. A few words, it would be over, Sayo would never mention it again, and she could continue being Roselia’s guitarist. “I’m sure you remember what Udagawa-san told us all a while ago? About herself?”<br/><br/>“Of course.” Yukina replied. “Why are you mentioning it? Do you have a problem?”<br/><br/>“No,” Sayo said hastily, “nothing like that. Quite the opposite, actually.”<br/><br/>Yukina’s face was calm, her usual composure mixed with just a dash of curiosity. </p><p>If Sayo were to close her eyes again, she would see two harsh faces so much like her own looking at her with eyebrows furrowed and troubled expressions.</p><p>But she didn’t. The memory hurt but it was a memory. It couldn’t sting her now, when her focus was Yukina, patiently waiting for her to continue.<br/><br/>So she did.<br/><br/>“I… am the same. In that respect. Transgender, I mean, if that wasn’t clear enough, um… Minato-san?”<br/><br/>Yukina’s face had only changed to understanding, realisation. She nodded. “I see. Well, you know what I said to Ako. The same applies to Ako. You are the guitarist of Roselia, no matter what.”</p><p>A pause. And then, in a smaller voice: “Thank you for telling me. I could tell that someone was weighing on you, a little bit.”<br/><br/>Sayo blinked. It didn’t surprise her that the all-knowing and always nagging Lisa had picked up on her troubles, but <em> Yukina? </em>Sayo really was becoming far more obvious with her emotions than she had been before.</p><p>“I was trying to find a way to tell you, Minato-san,” Sayo said. “After Udagawa-san came out to us all, I immediately reached out to her. That translated into Imai-san and Shirokane-san finding out too, soon enough. It all happened rather quickly.” Sayo looked back down at her slightly quivering hands. “I felt a little bad for keeping you out of the loop.”<br/><br/>“It’s fine,” Yukina said.<br/><br/>And then silence.</p><p>The silence wasn’t unnatural; her and Yukina didn’t exchange many words when they weren’t needed. They could fall into rapturous conversation, but that was generally only when music was involved. Normally, one of the things Sayo liked best about being around Yukina was that she didn’t have to say much. She wasn’t nagged to talk. She could simply <em> be, </em>and also her and Yukina weren’t the best at general conversation.</p><p>Sayo had imagined this moment a lot over the past week. She had expected Yukina’s face to fall and her to pretend it was fine. To get an ‘I accept you, however’ but the catch never came. Yukina wasn’t seeing her any differently.</p><p>The fact that she had anticipated rejection despite overwhelming evidence telling her Yukina would accept her said a lot, but to be fair to Sayo, she didn’t have the greatest history before Roselia.</p><p>But she had gotten through this. It was fine.</p><p>“Sayo, um actually…” Yukina said, shifting from foot to foot, and for a brief moment Sayo’s terror returned. This was it, the moment everything fell apart. </p><p>But what Yukina said next surprised her. “I have something I wanted to say to you, too. It’s maybe not as important, but, well…”</p><p>Sayo didn’t know what Yukina was going to say, but she tried to offer the same serene acceptance. “Yes, Minato-san?”</p><p>“There’s a place I want to take you,” Yukina said, cheeks flushed pink. “It’s… a cafe. You know. A little out of town. But it specifically has lots of cats. Because cats are good. Do you agree?”</p><p>Sayo had to hold back her laughter at Yukina’s flustered state. Yukina could be quite predictable at times. “Yes. I do like them.”</p><p>“And I believe it would be <em> highly </em>important to Roselia’s development if we visited. Would you like to accompany me?</p><p>Sayo paused. She hadn’t expected this. She’d anticipated a subtle gap between them, of Yukina slowly moving away. Of losing their connection. And yet, this was… the opposite.</p><p>“Are you sure you want me to come? Not Imai-san?” Sayo couldn’t help but ask.</p><p>Yukina’s reply came instantly. “Yes, Sayo, I want you. That’s why I asked you.”</p><p>Her band leader's usual bluntness was oddly comforting at times. Sayo felt a small smile growing on her face as she said, “Well, I suppose I have no choice but to accept, then.”<br/><br/>Yukina returned it, and for a moment, Sayo was simply content.<br/><br/>Then the door burst open.</p><p>“Sayo-san! Yukina-san!” Ako said. “Yet again you beat us to the arrival of our dark practices! But stay on your guard, for one day I shall defeat you!”<br/><br/>“I hardly think our rehearsals count as ‘dark practices’, Udagawa-san.” Sayo lectured, and yet, much more softly than she would have two months ago.</p><p>“I mean, Roselia has a pretty dark vibe, right?” Lisa said, as she followed in with Rinko. As she passed by Sayo, she mouthed, <em> All good? </em></p><p>Sayo mouthed back a small <em> Yes, </em>and Sayo’s brief annoyances with Lisa were immediately discarded as she lit up at Sayo’s response.</p><p>It was strange. Sayo was peaceful, more peaceful than she’d ever felt before in a situation like this. When she had come out to her family, when Hina had caught her ‘dressing up’, there had been panic. Fear. Thousands of awkward words and disappointed sighs that still persisted to this day.</p><p>However, right now, all she had right now was a feeling of relief, and quiet happiness. It was so bizarre, after years of avoiding spending time with anyone for too long and keeping her secret buried half out of safety and half for shame, to simply tell so many people in a short space of time.</p><p>Yet her world hadn’t shifted.</p><p>“Ako-chan… we’re late because your teacher was telling you off in dance club anyway, right?” Rinko said, prompting a laugh from Lisa.<br/><br/>Ako folded her arms in protest as she took position behind the drumkit. “It’s not my fault I accidentally kicked the CD player! It didn’t get damaged, anyway.”<br/><br/>“Sure, sure,” Lisa said. “Well, we’re all here, so no matter. What are we playing today, Yukina?”<br/><br/>Yukina’s eyes met with Sayo’s, and she nodded ever so slightly.<br/><br/>“I think we’ll start with Determination Symphony.”</p><p>“Awesome!” Ako said. “That song slaps so hard! Give me a sec to get set up, then I can do the count.”<br/><br/>Sayo didn’t quite know what Ako meant, but she agreed with the sentiment. “Actually, before we begin, may I say something?”<br/><br/>Four curious eyes looked at her. Sayo’s skin suddenly felt a bit prickly as she realised she didn’t know quite what she was going to say. But there was Rinko’s quietly supportive gaze, Lisa’s not-so-subtle wave from across the room, Ako’s enthusiastic lift of her drumsticks and Yukina’s small smile tugging at her lips as they all waited for her to speak.</p><p>“I… I just wanted to say thank you.” Sayo said. “For putting up with me, these past few months. I know I may not be the easiest person to get along with, sometimes, but I very much appreciate this band. So… thank you, again.”<br/><br/>That was too much wasn’t it? Since when had she become so sappy? Sayo considered taking back her words, for a second, but-</p><p>“Hell YEAH!” Ako yelled. “Roselia is the best. I love you all!”</p><p>“I agree,” Rinko said. “I’ve been able to become… much more confident recently, and I’m very grateful for that…”<br/><br/>“We love you, Sayo, okay?” Lisa said. “You’re our guitarist, now and always. Don’t forget that.”<br/><br/>“I share those sentiments.” Yukina said, looking at the ground a little. “All our sounds are unique, but together, they produce something quite beautiful, something that wouldn’t exist before. And with that, we can grow as individuals, too.” Yukina turned to Sayo. “And you are included in that, Sayo. Thank you for voicing it.”</p><p>Sayo was sure she was blushing now, but - she didn’t mind. She could show a little weakness, sometimes, with this group of people who accepted her as she was.<br/><br/>Her fear at coming out to Roselia was driven by many factors, but one of the biggest was the shadow of that first coming out still looming over her. Some nights she could still feel Hina’s hand slipping off her shoulder, her mother pulling away her hand.</p><p>Sayo never wanted to experience that again. But she never would. It was in the past.</p><p>“Ako, do you have the count?” Yukina asked.<br/><br/>“Oh! Of course!” Ako replied, fumbling to get her drumsticks ready. “Alright! 1, 2, 3, 4!”<br/><br/>Coming out was never easy, but it did get easier.<br/><br/>And as Sayo’s hands travelled across those initial frets, one thought was crystal clear in her mind.</p><p>She had survived. And she was going to be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I almost doubted I'd be able to get something out for Transdori, but here I am! This is gonna be a four part series, focused on Sayo but I'll be writing trans narratives about a couple of other characters along the way. I'm really excited to get the rest out.</p><p>Twitter is @sekundii if you wanna follow me for updates on my writing and gay rambling.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>